Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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