if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
