I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
