does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
