My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
