He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
