Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
zippers are such a cool invention
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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