It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
