I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
