I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What a dumb baby whore.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
