how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
