So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
