she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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