No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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