3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
