Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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