I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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