Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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