Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
