Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
