Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Come on in and take your pants off
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