Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
