I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Randomize
