The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
