considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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