around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
