So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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