you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
