Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
