Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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