My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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