I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
