FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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