im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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