my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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