I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
