I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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