I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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