Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
