Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
