Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
