So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
