I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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