I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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