peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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