I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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