im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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