Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
