Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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