So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
