My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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