Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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