The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
